Love Bank and Love Languages

One of the best advice I received from a co teacher is this: “Be kind and understanding to your special someone always or as much as you can.”

Now, I am far from perfect and there are times I lose my patience and calmness.

However, I tried my best to put that advice in my heart and mind and practice it.

I only have one caution to my dear: “Let me eat when I am hungry cause I can be grumpy if not.” LOL.

To further talk about our love bank, it is important that we know there are 5 love languages according to Dr. Gary Chapman.

5LLinfographic-768x510

Image is not mine

My dear and I downloaded a free pdf of it online and read it when we were still starting as a new LDR couple and it is one of the best pre-wedding books I will recommend to those who are willing to learn more about each other needs.

My dear and I even answered an online quiz to know what is our primary love language and its hierarchy to us.

Below is our results.

The first screenshot is my dear’s result and the second is mine. Both of our primary language is physical touch but we have different scores. I even observed and joked that my result looks like a perfect countdown.

After knowing our partner’s primary love language, it is up to us to always remember it and take it seriously. The consequence of what we do in relation to our partner’s love language is vital to the relationship. It will decide if we will have a healthy or unhealthy relationship. As much as it is a love bank, it is also the lifeline of the relationship.

When we deposit the right amount and kind of love our partner needs to their love bank, the interest is higher. Good interest that we don’t even need to withdraw cause they will give it to us freely and consistently. As long as we religiously deposit on their love bank, we will enjoy the regular interest.

Now, there are times when we commit some mistakes which is equivalent to withdrawal in the love bank. The bigger the mistake, the bigger the withdrawal. If we did not save enough, we will feel and see their love bank empty. Even negative and in the brink of bankruptcy.

To avoid this, let us follow these words from Bo Sanchez: “Plain, simple, regular kindness will solve a lot of marital problems.”

How to be kind? Deposit the right amount and kind of love regularly however plain and simple they are.

How to be understanding? Understand the love language of our partner.

 

Advertisements

Part 2: Beginning of the best story and answering the hows

How did I know if he is the right one?

For me, I knew it when he assured me that he wants the same thing as I do from the beginning which is a long term relationship, a lifetime relationship.

I knew he was the right one for me when he did and still doing his best so I can see and feel that he is the right one.

I realized that with the right guy, you don’t need to convince yourself, all by yourself. He will convince you that he is.

How?

By committing to me long term. By accepting my commitment to him. By treasuring the commitment we gave to each other.

I had always been a believer of marriage and I always want to be married to the right and best guy for me.

And when he said that I am the only woman he ever wanted to marry.

Corny as it my sound. I indeed felt that “heaven is a place on earth”.

Now, some may joke that marriage can be a hell too and that everyone starts as enthusiastic and optimistic as I am, as we do.

However, when we discussed and prepare ourselves for the all the possible scenarios and worst situations that may come our way and how we are going to face it. I knew I found a dependable partner in life.

We know that talking it now and when those things actually happen are different things but we trust each other enough to be confident to say that we can handle them.

I know I found someone who will help me write and live the best story because of his willingness to do everything to make it work.

The best story is not a story full of sweets only. We know that it has the complete ingredients with different spices. It has unexpected twists, surprising us along the way. Yet, I know we will still treasure its uniqueness.

Marriage is also like a meal or a dish we both worked hard to cook. A shared meal that both of us will taste and eat together. Both of us will finish it until the end and we wont waste it.

We are the author of our best story.

We are the cooks that will decide the taste of our marriage.

We will get what we work for.

In everything we do, love should always be there, love should be the main ingredient from the beginning until the end.

 

P.S.

I read somewhere that the right one is not really just one. Many has the potential to be the right one but only one will work hard with you to stay as the right one until the end. It is such a bliss to finally found mine, I wish everyone will find theirs too.

To read Part 1

Random Anti-Bucket List

  1. NO to holding grudge/s for too long. Move on. Just stay away from people I don’t like or doesn’t like me or do things I don’t like. Forgive genuinely but no need to force myself to forgive when I am not yet ready. Be angry, be upset, feel and let out the negative feelings but don’t let it devour me.
  2. NO to cutting my nails (especially my fingernails) too much. Leave them alone from time to time. LOL.
  3. NO to  DRUGS and other addictions like alcohol, smoking, and gambling. I’ve never try and never wanted to try. Continue hating it. It’s me. My choice.
  4. NO to going to prison/get arrested. Stay crime free. There are things I can enjoy with a limit. There are good reasons why limitations exist and should be followed.
  5. NO to losing my purpose. Knowing my purpose. Feeling that I have a purpose. Hearing and answering my calling. Teaching. Learning. Sharing.
  6. NO to STRESS, especially too much stress and angst. No need to be too positive either but it always feel good to appreciate more, be thankful, live a little bit careless and feel free than worry endlessly.
  7. NO to INSENSITIVITY. Get irritated, be pissed off but say sorry when I need to. Make LAMBING when I feel like I want to. Don’t be shy in showing I care. Be compassionate especially to my special someone and love ones always or as often as I can.
  8. NO to stopping LOVE. Make the choice to continue loving the people I love. Gentle or tough love. Hopefully, more of gentle love. The world is harsh already, everyone needs a little more gentle love.
  9. NO to putting myself in direct danger. Life has an end but I am someone who will never put an end on it myself intentionally.
  10. NO to DEBT. Bad Debt. No to things I cannot pay. Work hard then play hard but only buy the things I can afford. Remember the difference between needs and wants. Live within my means.
  11. NO to pleasing everybody every time. Here is a fact, no one can please everyone. I will not be like nor love by everyone and that is OK, even heroes and saints have haters. I will always try my best to be kind and polite but the most important thing is to continue being me and being genuinely happy by making myself happy, my special someone happy, my loved ones happy. One thing is for sure, I don’t need to please those who truly care about me and also wants me to be happy.

How to Enjoy Long Distance Relationship

(and continue doing so when you are together already plus caution! long notes after)

  1. Form good habits. Be consistent. Do things that make your special someone happy. Say and do things that will put a smile on his/her face. Appreciate him/her and his/her efforts. Be grateful that he/she is in your life even though you are currently far from each other.
  2. Agree of a time you can talk to each other or just be with each other (especially when you have different time zones). Even it is only online for now, quality time is still quality time and it is very important. There are times you just want to do things together (sometimes even not doing anything but just looking and smiling to each other and having some fun). Even trivial/ordinary things means so much cause it make you feel that you are a indeed a part of each other’s life.
  3. Always remember that you will be together soon. Imagine the things you will and want to do together. Talk about it. Visualize. Plan. Imagine fun and funny things and laugh together.
  4. Spice things up. #1 is about habits, routines, consistency but try not to be boring. Surprise him/her once in a while not once in a blue moon. Be enthusiastic. Excitement is always good, it energizes your soul, makes you look forward to the day you’ll be together physically.
  5. Trust him/her. Give him/her “me time” just as much as you need your own. Support him/her on the things he/she wants to do and need to accomplish (especially if it is about his/her work, his/her passion or a part of improving himself/herself).
  6. Communicate effectively. Share about your day, your thoughts etc. Ask him/her about his/her day, his/her thoughts/opinion on current events, anything you both find interesting. Listen to him/her. Pay attention. You want to understand him/her and make him/her feel that even if you are far from each other, you are always “one call away”. Make sure that he/she knows, feel and see that you are always there whenever he/she needs someone to talk or listen to him/her. There is no such thing as over communicating, only bad communication which  may result to misunderstanding but you can always clear things as long as both of you are willing to talk, listen and genuinely try to understand each other.
  7. Continue the good habits you formed when you are already together. No one is perfect but your relationship is the outcome of the choices, habits (things you do) as a couple. You can only get something if you invest something and manage it well. But you cannot manage it and win the odds alone. Giving up is not an option unless you are left alone in the fight. Never make your partner feel that he/she is alone.

Continue reading “How to Enjoy Long Distance Relationship”

Simple Joys

Finding out that some of the old major papers I wrote as a graduate student has been cited in some online articles give me joy. Small achievements like that however it may look nothing for other people meant a lot for me.

Seeing that there are two people who liked one of my blog posts here is happiness already for me. Thank you for reading.

Looking at my books makes me enthusiastic. I look forward in reading all of them (included in my bucket list).

Watching funny videos, reading any interesting article and walking/bicycling (in a park) help me relax.

Talking to my close friends and family, spending time with them is a precious memory .

Laughing with my dear are moments I treasured and love the most.

Learning with my students, sharing what little do I know, gives me purpose.

We all have our own simple joys. Things that give us joy.

Most of the times, we are too hard to ourselves. I myself is my greatest critic.

Simple joys are the greatest. Mostly you get for free which is why they say that the best things in life are actually free.

How you define simple depends entirely on you. How you categorize great is your choice too. They can mean the same and different things. We make things simple or complicated. We find joys when we acknowledge them, when we appreciate them. We know it is simple when we realized that happiness is all over around us, within our reach. It is inside and outside of us.

How you define yourself and what makes you happy, only you knows that.

 

 

How to survive workplace politics

Politics is not only about presidents, law, and cannot only be found in the different branches of government: executive, legislative and judiciary. There will always be politics anywhere.

I worked in an academic institution for more than two years and I was surprise of how school politics can be worse than you expected and prepared yourself into.

I like teaching. I love sharing. I loved my students even if I was afraid to show it, fearing I will forget my limitations and cross the line (I regret and not regret it at the same time but I am sure I will still choose the same style of teaching even if given another chance). I respected my colleagues. I like my work (teaching college students) and my workplace except the dirty politics and the people behind it.

It has been a roller coaster ride. There were times I was so dizzy I felt so bad and want to vomit (not literally). There were times I enjoy the ride, tried to enjoy the ride and want the ride to end already.

I am so grateful it was not my first job, my previous work experiences helped me to be stronger than I originally was. I am not sure if I will be able to survive and stay longer without those experiences.

I learned to do the following to survive:

  1. To be a paradox. You need to contradict yourself to survive. (Read: http://www.practicalspirituality.info/Honor-Yourself-Excerpts-Play-of-Paradox-Chap1.html)
  2. To be compassionate and heartless at the same time. I think this is connected to #1 but yeah I want to emphasize this and put it in another number.
  3. Always remind yourself that you cannot control other people and how they think and feel about you. You can only try to make them like, love, accept and understand you but you cannot force them (unless you succeed on threatening them). The only one you can control is yourself and your actions which is sometimes a challenge too when it is so easy to be impulsive and do the same way they did and still doing.
  4. Just do what you know you need to do (just like what I did in #2) even if it is unorthodox or new or may raise eyebrows. Mind yet never mind. Risk yet be sure. Have some assurance you will survive what you will and want to do, whatever the consequence may be. Again, with being a paradox. However, always be rational and logical and repeat. LOL. Your mind exists for a reason. To overthink is better than not to think at all (unless not thinking will make you happy and as long as you can still survive which can be quite difficult cause if you think about it survival skills involve quick rational thinking).
  5. Say sorry even when the truth is: you are only sorry that you don’t feel sorry to be you. Be brave to be YOU. Prove yourself to yourself. You know your worth. You know your skills. Show it. Do everything you can even when no one appreciates it (as long as you do and hopefully your boss too unless some people, dreaming to be the protagonist and antagonist at the same time, succeed on ruining your reputation).
  6. Be professional. Even when they succeed on saying and doing bad things to ruin you. Still, do your job. Work hard. Believe me when I say there are better opportunities, for real, waiting for you. Skills don’t lie. Hard work paid off.
  7. Don’t follow the footsteps of “those” people. Be aware of the lethal combination/s. People who are only good in flattering the boss, creating gossip/rumors, taking credit for other’s work, sabotaging other’s work etc. Let them be an expert with that. That is their function, hopefully not their sole purpose in life. Either way, find your own expertise and develop your strength/s.
  8. Play the politics until you can’t and don’t want anymore. As Aristotle said: ” Man is a thinking animal. Man is a political animal. ” (Read: https://www.the-philosophy.com/man-political-animal-meaning-aristotle-quote)

Continue reading “How to survive workplace politics”

How to Find your One True Love

Disclaimer: This is not a list I want to enforce to anyone. This is just a guideline I wrote for myself that I am sharing. Each individual have different perspectives, principles, beliefs, wants, likes, hates etc. I am not saying people who have the characteristics on my must not is bad or not worthy to be love. It is just me and these are my own standards. Peace! Lab lab lab! LOL.

NEGOTIABLE:

  1. Physical Appearance (My ideal: fair, clean-cut, smart looking)
  2. Age (older than me, 1-10 years)
  3. Asset/savings (more than mine). As if I have a lot of savings. Haha. I was just being practical when I wrote this.
  4. Profession (equal or higher than mine)
  5. Education (same with profession)
  6. Interests (same as mine)
  7. Long distance relationship (if we are more than a year or I really trust him)

NON-NEGOTIABLE:

  1. Good person. God-centered/God-fearing. I guess I edited it and just put the good person later. I know that there are many good people that are not really religious and it doesn’t change the fact that they still choose to live following the golden rule. Let us not dwell on the technicalities of ethics here cause I know some will ask, what constitute a good person?How can you say someone is really a good person?That is for you to answer, we all have our own definition of “good”. Mine is as long as he don’t intentionally harm other people especially me and my love ones. I mean “harm” in all areas, physical, emotional, verbal etc.
  2. I’m comfortable with him. I can never ever be with someone that I am not really comfortable with. I know that some will say that later on you will be comfortable as time goes by but I proved that there are some people that even after a long time, I am still not 100% comfortable and this is in direct relation if I know I can trust them or not. If I cannot be comfortable or I don’t trust someone in the beginning, I still cannot later. To be comfortable with someone even in silence is a piece of heaven for me.
  3. Responsible. I cannot trust someone who cannot even be responsible of himself, of his own life, of  his own decision.
  4. No addiction. Non-smoker. Non-alcoholic. Not drug addict etc. I love myself. No further explanation needed.
  5. Financially Stable. I guess I am still conservative in some areas just like how I still believe that the man should still be the primary provider in the family unless he is disable or incapable because of sickness or other valid reason (though I cannot think of any other right now). Some disable men is still able to provide for their family or for themselves. Helping each other as partners is ideally good but I think it is a blessing if the man can provide enough for the needs of the family and the woman can still help but she can focus more on managing the house and being with the children to guide them especially on their childhood years which is the foundation of an individual (yeah, I think in advance, LOL).  Both parents are needed but I believe that at least one parent being able to focus more on the children and spend more time with them is necessarily important. After providing the needs, being with them, physically and emotionally, is the next if not the most important thing.
  6. Emotionally healthy. I experienced being drained after being with someone who is not emotionally healthy. There are people who have sickness and needs help, and they know it, and they do something about it. However, a person who doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that he/she needs help is a big headache (for lack of a better appropriate adjective). We all thought that love is infinite and it doesn’t drain but we people who give love can feel drained, tired, unhappy  and unloved. I realized that like a battery, we all need to be recharge, we need to feel love to give love. We need to have some love to actually give it, especially continuously. Just like how Gary Chapman call it in his book “The Five Love Languages”, we all have “love tanks” that needs to be refill and we are at our best when it is full. Being with someone who is emotionally unhealthy and is not cooperative enough to get some help and don’t give you the love you deserve and needed will make you feel drained and I believe nobody wants that. I don’t want that.
  7. Love his own family. Unless there is a dark valid reason why someone doesn’t love his own family (and it should make sense to me), I cannot be with someone who doesn’t even love his own family. I don’t want a mama’s boy either. I need a man not a boy. A man who loves his own family will surely love his future family, our own family, and for sure even better.

MUST NEVER HAVE/MUST NOT/DON’T/NO TO THESE:

  1. Don’t smoke. No smoking addiction.
  2. Not depressed. Must not be depressed always (or if it is really an illness, should be willing to get professional help).
  3. Not pessimistic. Must not be pessimistic. Being realistic is different.
  4. No problem with anger management. No one wants to be a battered wife. Physically or emotionally.
  5. Not married. Not adulterer or have another girlfriend/s other than me. Cheating is non-negotiable. If you can cheat me once, you can do it easier next time. I can forgive but I can’t forget. Even if I intentionally try, it will still be in my subconscious, a ghost that will hunt me. I know myself that much so NO.

MUST HAVES/YES TO THESE:

  1. Same intelligence. Oops. I mean the level of intelligence. Sorry if this sounds narcissistic (but not really sorry, hehe). I know there are many types of intelligence. I also believe we are all intelligent in our own way. But yes, I am serious on this. I need to be attracted to his mind too.
  2. Good communication skills. I cannot live with someone whom I cannot communicate with. There are some people who are very sensitive, people who cannot express themselves or even try to help me understand them better. A relationship is a two way street. It takes two to tango. I need help to work things out. I am not good at guessing. I don’t like dramas. If you don’t want to talk to me, then at least write or listen to me then answer me. Read my letter and reply. Use any good communication skill you have to communicate with me.
  3. Sense of humor. He may be weird in his own cute way. Other people may not get him but as long as I do, as long as I find his jokes funny, that is more than enough for me.
  4. Organized. I am not a clean freak but I tend to be really organize. The order of my things make sense to me. I hope to find someone who can work better in an organized environment. Less is better, less trash, less things that are not really needed. Haha.
  5. Open-minded. Knowledge is neutral for me. It is how you decide to use it that it becomes good or bad. I read everything I can. It is important for me to talk all kind of things and any topic to my future husband.
  6. Sense of loyalty/commitment. I will fully commit, dedicate myself to the person I choose to love. I know that I will be loyal to him until the end. I expect the same thing from him.

I realized that all the characteristics I listed are also the characteristics I have or I believe I have. I love the way I want to be love. Expecting is human nature. We get the love we think we deserve. I know what I want and what I deserve and it is best to know yours too.

There will be challenges for sure. Being trap in a routine or be boring is one of my greatest fears. I told my fiance about this and we agreed to do our best to bring back the spark or ignite it back when it is disappearing. Though, I think there is a peaceful kind of boring or routine and we both look forward on sharing that with each other. We both believe that love is a choice. A mutual decision. A partnership (though we agree that “me” time is still needed from time to time). A compromise. Love is thinking of the other person and wanting to make him/her happy cause it makes you happy, they make you happy, he/she makes you happy. I love the fact that we agree on the important things, on what we believe the foundation of a strong relationship. I hate that promises are made to be broken which is why I rather try and do things first than promising them but sometimes words help a lot too to convey our feelings. I rather plan than make promises though technically they are connected. Words and actions should be partners in love, in showing love, in making someone feel you love them. These may all sound too idealistic, but if we aim it, we work for it, we can get it. We enjoy what we work for, what we enjoy working for, and what we love working for cause we know it will give us the greatest reward, a love that will last this lifetime or may even transcend this lifetime.

*The photo below is the actual photo of my list, written years ago before I actually met my fiance. I wrote this after reading again and having my own copy of How to Find your One True love by Bo Sanchez. I first read it when I was in college, borrowed from a roommate. I disregard and intentionally forgot this list for so long and when I visited it again, I was surprised that he is like an output turned into reality of the things I wrote. Haha. I guess these things are subconsciously written in my mind and heart all this time.lab's list of negotiable and non negotiables